Thing Falls Apart

Ikemefuna is dead. I can feel it the moment the man returns. It wells up inside like a thight knot in my throat. Even I have dared to cry in front of my father, I cannot have tears. My body is nump, limp with grief. Ikemefuna is my dearest friend. He is my brother. How can they be so merciless? How can my father slaughter him? How can they take away a human's life without any sensible reason? Oh, I nearly forget that. They have a so-called reason: my religion views Ikemefuna as an abomination to the Earth Goddess. It is really ridiculous for me! I cannot accept that. I cannot accept my innocent brother, being wiped off from this world without any reasonable reason. When my brother first enters my life, I view him as my idol. He is just like the pillar of strength to me, helping me to rise up from the darkness. I thought he calls my father, "father".

How can it be? Why does my father do such inhuman thing to his own son? How can they all be hardheartened enough to take his life? Then how about me? Anyone? Anyone to accompany me? No? No one? Among these three years, it is Ikemefuna. He helps me to boost up my confidence, in order to be a man, so that my father will be happy, satisfied and approve me as his son. But now, he has disappeared forever in my life. What can I do? Without him, I can't have such manliness; I can't split the wood, I can't listen to my father's bloodshed war stories. I am scared, I can't... As expected, my father continues to beat me as I have shown sign of femininity to him. I am like returning to the past and the emergence of Ikemefuna is juat like a nightmare. My brother's death is just like the dream has come to an end. Everything starts to back to normacy.

But there is no such thing as normacy for me! My brother, Ikemefuna has left me! And it is all because of my father's fault! I am really devastated to him. How can he hurt someone who loves him so completely? No wonder he shows no affection towards us all the time. This is because he is heartless! He does not care about us! What he cares are how many titles he can take down and how great can he become to win the respect from the people. Sometimes, I do feel doubtful to my religion and belief. They are just unjustified to me. The death of my brother has again reminded me that I am questioning my culture and tradition right now, I have lost the faith of my own custom! I feel like something seems to give way inside me, like the snapping of a tightened bow. As for me now, everything around me is meaningless, everything starts to collapse, everything starts to fall apart...

A gift from The God.

Ikemefuna is dead. I can feel it the moment the man returns. It wells up inside like a thight knot in my throat. Even I have dared to cry in front of my father, I cannot have tears. My body is nump, limp with grief. Ikemefuna is my dearest friend. He is my brother. How can they be so merciless? How can my father slaughter him? How can they take away a human's life without any sensible reason? Oh, I nearly forget that. They have a so-called reason: my religion views Ikemefuna as an abomination to the Earth Goddess. It is really ridiculous for me! I cannot accept that. I cannot accept my innocent brother, being wiped off from this world without any reasonable reason. When my brother first enters my life, I view him as my idol. He is just like the pillar of strength to me, helping me to rise up from the darkness. I thought he calls my father, "father".

How can it be? Why does my father do such inhuman thing to his own son? How can they all be hardheartened enough to take his life? Then how about me? Anyone? Anyone to accompany me? No? No one? Among these three years, it is Ikemefuna. He helps me to boost up my confidence, in order to be a man, so that my father will be happy, satisfied and approve me as his son. But now, he has disappeared forever in my life. What can I do? Without him, I can't have such manliness; I can't split the wood, I can't listen to my father's bloodshed war stories. I am scared, I can't... As expected, my father continues to beat me as I have shown sign of femininity to him. I am like returning to the past and the emergence of Ikemefuna is juat like a nightmare. My brother's death is just like the dream has come to an end. Everything starts to back to normacy.

But there is no such thing as normacy for me! My brother, Ikemefuna has left me! And it is all because of my father's fault! I am really devastated to him. How can he hurt someone who loves him so completely? No wonder he shows no affection towards us all the time. This is because he is heartless! He does not care about us! What he cares are how many titles he can take down and how great can he become to win the respect from the people. Sometimes, I do feel doubtful to my religion and belief. They are just unjustified to me. The death of my brother has again reminded me that I am questioning my culture and tradition right now, I have lost the faith of my own custom! I feel like something seems to give way inside me, like the snapping of a tightened bow. As for me now, everything around me is meaningless, everything starts to collapse, everything starts to fall apart...

What a father is him? Why can't he understand me?

My father is an influential clan leader in Umuofia. After defeating "Amalinze The Cat", he becomes a powerful and famous wrestler. In virtue of his prowess in war, he successfully earns himself a high position in the clan. However, he hates my grandfather, Unoka very much. My grandfather loves to play musical instrument by his nature.  My father often describes him as lazy, improvident and incapable of thinking about tomorrow. He is a shame for my father, just like me. As my instinct is quite similar to my grandfather, I have become a frequent-beating object to him. As a first-born child in my family, he demands me to be a warrior of perfect masculinity.

My abomination towards him is very deep. Most of the time, I feel like I am nothing for him even though I am his only son. Isn't it wrong to love music and listen to folk's stories? As a boy in Umuofia, I struggle very hard to reach your expectation but no matter how much efforts I put in, you will still label me as a 'lazy-dreamer'. For you, I am a disappointment and a disgrace. I really can't comprehend the perception of my society - judging a man's capability by his masculinity? I have tried again and again to win his approval but what I often get is a red palm landing on my face. Sometimes, I feel an intense injustice and jealously to my friend. Why can they have such a lovely and caring father? How about me? A cruel, violent and senseless 'father'!?

Almost every night, I will dream about the scene of your beating. I am groaning and moaning in pain. I cry and beg you to stop but in vain. Looking at the scars of my body, it reminds me of how hateful is I to you! 'A vicious tigress never eats her own cubs'. As for me, you are the worst of the Lord. Sometimes, I wish I will rather be an orphan without you. I pray day and night that someone will come to rescue me, someone that I can share my desperation to 'him'.