The Grudge

It has been months of Ikemefuna's death. Losing him is like having a deep scar on my body. I am like been thrown into the darkness. There is no light, no love, no hope... At the very first beginning when he is not besides me, I feel like losing the direction of life. Sooner or later, I realize that I am actually assuming him as my brother to look up to. I am some sort of depending on him, learning how to be a real man to please my father, to please my society, to please everyone. The time passes like a blink of an eye, it has been one year of my brother's death. But, I'm still haunted by the tragedy every night. Sometimes, I do feel like: the life is meaningless? Can I just kill myself to wash away all of the the unhappiness and hatred feelings in my deep recesses? I am like hovering between the life and death.

As for my evil father, I can't actually forgive him. 'How could he do this to him? Won't he feel desperate of losing his son? The questions as such keep on filling my thoughts. I hate my dad, I hate the villagers around who are trying to justify the death of Ikemefuna, I hate the Igbo religious customs. I know I shouldn't think this way. But I can't! I can't stop myself from questioning my father's capability. I even start believing that the order from the Oracle of Hill is not necessarily to be obeyed. Why should this kind of rules still exist in this world? Why must we follow the order blindly even though we need to do inhuman things? Does it really make sense? Taking someone's life is not as easy as like breaking a glass. 'Never take someone for granted, hold every person close to your heart, because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond', I always say to myself.

The grudge towards my tradition continues to expand. I start to question everything which is considered as the untouchable in our society. I’m starting to question the validity of lyi-uwa and Ogbanje? Why everyone thinks that Ogbanje can reincarnate itself only to die again as a baby? I have actually witnessed the truth by myself. The so-called “Ogbanje” which is believed to be my sister shows the people the location of the Iyi-ugwa. After much deliberation, she decides on a spot in the forest and the medicine man begins to dig. All of the bystanders, except for me, go off to the side leaving the medicine man do his work. Therefore, I’m the only one who realizes that the Iyi-uwa is actually planted in that spot by the medicine man. Besides, there are some 'English men' come to me and keep on persuading me to join their religion. I’m really puzzled, but the change to the religion is yet to be considered. I don't like the killing culture. I don’t like the immorality of my society. I want to have a great change of their thinking. Finally, the illegitimacy of the Iyi-uwa, along with the practice of killing twins babies, and the murder of Ikemefuna tears a gaping hole into my faith; and this hole will be filled by a new religion - Christianity.